I knew early on that being in a romantic relationship with a man was not going to fulfill me. Once I knew that, I became very attractive to men…
I have seen that the “normal” way women go about it is just not attractive for any length of time. Sure, men can be attracted at first to a woman who seems to need his love, affection and support, but over time, this becomes a burden as the man starts to feel confined by the woman’s fear of losing.
However, I’ve discovered that many woman can’t just turn off the “normal” belief that having a good man is needed for a happy life. This is something that has to be recognized by each woman through her own experience.
For me, this wisdom came as a flash of insight at the end of my first marriage when I was only 20 years old. I was very distraught at the time, and I just realized that the reason I was distraught was that I believed that I needed the love of a man in order to be happy.
I immediately saw that this was not true. I noticed that I could live a much happier and productive life if I wasn’t distracted by a man’s demands on my energy.
Thereafter, I dated men, but from a space that each relationship was very, very temporary. If one of them wanted to get close with me I would let him, but I was ready to leave the relationship as soon as he showed me signs of possessiveness, abusiveness or infidelity, and I left many men over the course of only a few years without looking back.
I still consider myself to be in a temporary relationship even though I’ve been monogamous with an amazing man for a couple decades. That’s because this man continues to show me that he is my man by offering me complete freedom to be and do as I please, and by consistently showing up to support whatever it is I happen to be doing and being at the time.
Sometimes I perceive that he has withdrawn support on certain things, but I have found that such a perception only occurs to me when we are playing out patterns of pain together. When I find myself in this situation, first and foremost I give the relationship up so that I can communicate without fear of losing.
By give it up, I mean that my personality gets comfortable after 20 years of having a man take care of myself the way this man has been doing. So when I perceive myself to be unsupported by him in something that feels passionate for me, there is fear about what this might mean for myself, my kids, and my lifestyle.
Once this fear fantasy is recognized, the relationship is automatically given up. This doesn’t mean that my love for him is any less, it’s just that I am presently aware that going forward in this relationship is not necessary.
Once there is awareness of not needing the relationship to continue, communication can happen, misunderstandings can be resolved, and our connection can deepen…Or the relationship can dissolve and make way for what’s next.
Either way, I am aware that each one is blessed beyond measure, and that’s more than enough fulfillment for me.