I had two father figures growing up…one played the polyamorous type and one played the possessive type. I suppose you can say I had two of the best teachers of what I didn’t want in a man.
The polyamorous one was a sweet, missionary man and faith healer who had kids with a bunch of different women and never thought to be there for any of them, unless it was “The Lord’s Will” (translation: congruent with his chosen lifestyle).
The possessive one hung around for a long time (way too long from my child mind point of view), he was sometimes kind but usually mean, abusive and instead of supporting his family, he seemed to use his family members as objects to support his desires and cravings.
The difference I see in Tony, and other men of his maturity level, is that “The Lord’s Will” is whatever supports and uplifts his woman and children; and the part he plays in fulfilling that Will is apparently more valuable to him than any errant desire or craving that crosses his mind.
At first I was only attracting men who were variations of the two father figures I had experienced early on, and by the time I was 21, I had decided to keep my relationships light and my heart guarded. But I had also accepted the way I thought most men were in a deep way, such that I wasn’t pissed at guys…I was just willing to play with however they were showing up for me.
I would also imagine being embraced by a profound love whenever the idea of relationship would enter my mind, not because I thought it would get me anywhere, but because it felt good and relaxing, especially as I was falling asleep. In retrospect, it seems that my willingness to feel so embraced left an opening for a man to show me something different than what I was used to.
From that feeling place, I related with men, and I did not accept anything that didn’t match that sweet sensation which I had come to know so well. I didn’t accept any of the shenanigans Tony tried either, and that helped him to discover how he really wanted to be with a woman.
From my experience, there are men who are mature enough to handle a woman who knows her value, and those who are not quite ready. But the woman who lives out what she intends will eventually attract, and even help prepare, the one who’s willing and able to support that intention.