Through my early experiences in dating and relationships, I learned to pretend like I was enjoying sex even when I was not. I tried being honest about what sensations I was feeling up until I was about 21 years old, but after being rejected a few times for not “getting into it enough” with guys I thought were really great, I decided that in order to be accepted by any man I needed to express pleasure in response to All of his sexual efforts.
It’s not that I didn’t enjoy sex much of the time…it’s just that when I wasn’t enjoying it, I chose to keep egos intact instead of being authentic…because I was afraid of being rejected. Following this choice, I became a believer in the “fake it till you make it” philosophy because I experienced that my body did respond favorably…often leading to one or many orgasms.
In this way, much of my sexual practice was really a form self masturbation…using a partner sort of as a sexual object…while helping to feed his illusion that he was “making me cum”…oh yeah baby! Lol!
I can see that this strategy was quite valuable, useful and served me well for the time I believed in certain illusions….And it’s now apparent to me that said strategy was also a barrier to deepening intimacy and awakening the mind.
I’ve also come to recognize that pursuing or initiating sex has never felt natural for me, and I only did it because I believed it was what I needed to do in order to get love.
As soon as I became aware that these strategies were playing themselves out through me, they could no longer persist. At first there was a bit of anxiety about this, but over time my mind has become perfectly content with sexual authenticity…even it speaks to sexual insecurity…and even it means I’ll have experiences of being rejected.
After all, every interaction can either awaken the mind or perpetuate illusions…and sex is no exception.
May everyone be free to express themselves authentically. Blessings!