Awareness is Before Mind

Even the mind itself cannot exist without awareness, as mind and all of its content is created within the space of awareness. Awareness is before everything. We are pure awareness.

Pure mind is expressed as all encompassing Love. Impurities within the mind make the illusion of lack of love. As pure awareness, we don’t have to settle for illusions.

Impeccability

For a time, I thought that the spiritual concept “be impeccable with your words” meant that I needed to manage my own words as well as correct the words being used by others.

Whew! What a burden that was… And what a clever escape from putting my attention on what was really coming up for me.

Through experience, I have discovered that any words can be impeccable words…it’s not about the literal meaning of words at all, and it’s certainly not about which words other people use.

Impeccability has to do with speaking words that resonate in my heart with the presence of God’s love, and not speaking words that validate separation, fear and judgment.

But all of this actually begins in the mind, before any word is uttered. Once I have uttered words in sin (separation from God’s presence), that utterance becomes a gift of clarity as to what thoughts I’ve been making real by putting faith in their truth.

For instance, I felt mortified when Tony referred to my breasts as “little hangers” on our second date. He had no idea about my insecurity over my breasts being less buoyant after pregnancy and breast feeding.

He was simply acknowledging what was there and expressing appreciation for my body in his own words. In this way, his words were impeccable.

I, on the other hand, was like “what?! why do you think it’s ok to say that to me?”. The words I used were speaking to my personal insecurities about my breasts, and my utterance of them gave me instant awareness that I had been putting faith in the idea that my breasts were deficient.

My apparent lack of impeccability was a great gift because once I recognized where I had been taking myself in thought, I felt comfortable once again in my nakedness.

Of course, Tony never said anything like that to me again, because after hearing my response, he realized what those words meant from my point of view.

Much Aloha!

Mind and Heart

The mind lives on words and the heart lives on love. The mind can always find argument with words, but it can never argue with love.

Words are shallow, but the meaning behind them is profound. I hear the words, but Listen with my heart…and all matters of competition are absolved for me.

Much Love!

Experience of Perceive – Correcting Others

What I call “Nit Picking” is a strategy that I’ve used to get other people’s expression to align with my own point of view. Even though I spoke of unity, and desperately wanted to experience unity with other people, I also saw our differences as separation, and as such, I needed to make myself superior.

I felt proud of the superiority I created for myself because I “knew” that I was right, and that I could correct other people’s errors in perception if they would only listen to me. It all came from a place of deep caring and love for the whole, but it was clouded with the confusion of perceiving other people in duality.

When people would express to me that my words were being perceived as hurtful and/or demeaning, I told myself that the other person’s feelings had nothing to do with me…which made me deny our human connection, and especially how it felt to be perceived as less than loving.

I was like “hey, I’m just having a good time over here, why are people being so sensitive?”. What I didn’t see is that my “good time” was really reassuring myself that I was superior since my expression could make upset for other people while I was totally unaffected.

Once I saw this clearly, I noticed that my mind wanted to jump into shaming myself for all the hurt I had caused for other people, but God’s Grace has already moved to re-mind me that all of my experiences are immensely valuable…and the shameful thoughts had no power over me.

From my experience, I have discovered that just allowing myself to sincerely feel what comes up in me, below the surface of the concepts and philosophy, reveals the truth to my mind every single time… And the truth instantly restores harmony to my mind, even if I still perceive disharmony in another person.

In this way, compassion is naturally allowed to move my voice and share itself through me…And if I miss the mark in allowing compassion, that’s a blessing in and of itself. So I thank God and continue to receive the blessings.

May all beings live together in harmony!

Aloha!

Personal Attachment

It’s not like I don’t experience personal attachment to certain other people. I just don’t actually believe that I can’t be happy unless other people show up in a certain way.

For me, attachment is the personal desire to carry forth what’s in the memories about myself in relation to another person, place or thing. The way I see it, attachment is not synonymous with ignorance…attachment happens automatically…ignorance is believing that the sense of attachment means that my well being is dependent on another person.

Experiencing my first husband taught me a lot about attachment and what it really means to observe attachment from a detached state of awareness. Specifically, I took the experience of being attached to him as “proof” that I should help him become the man of my dreams…which according to his words, he was perfectly willing to do until only a few months into our marriage.

Once I got pregnant I felt very afraid that he would not make a good husband or father because he went back to doing meth and drinking heavily with his friends…plus he seemed very concerned about the weight I was gaining. After this man had sex with and impregnated my sister, I was so distraught, it felt like my life was over, and I could hardly function enough to take care of myself.

At one point, I was so confused that I thought I could get relief from my pain by rekindling my relationship with this man. So, I met him in Vegas for a weekend to try and work it out.

After spending two days together, the “wise woman” arose in me, and it was immediately recognized that no matter how much my mind was saying I needed this man, our being together was only serving a story in my imagination.

In that instant I had a profound experience of detachment…it became abundantly clear to my mind that attached feelings are no indication of what I should do or who I’m meant to be with. They are formed out of memories about happy, connected feelings I experienced with a person in the past, and how I can get more of those happy, connected feelings from them going forward.

Once this clarity came, I felt a sense of peace and appreciation for this beautiful man. I still told him I wasn’t going to be with him again, but the news came out of a space of unconditional love, and I sensed that he received it with empathy, respect and understanding.

From that moment on I was very clear about relating with the romantic partners and friends who flowed in and out of my life. No longer did I buy into attached feelings…I simply observed whatever was being shown to me in the moment, and I trusted my experience of that reflection to guide my thoughts words and actions.

It was less than two years from this moment of clarity before I met Tony, my beloved partner of 20 years. While it seemed pretty doubtful that I would ever have a long term relationship with any man, I was positive that I could enjoy every man because I was no longer confused by the stories that played about them in my mind.

I saw no need to get pissed at anyone for not reflecting what I was willing to accept as a lover, friend or life partner…And for the most part, I was moving joyfully in and out of relationships without the residue of attachment.

Of course there were times when I slipped back into the grip of attachment, but I could not tolerate the experience of it for very long before I woke up to my purpose of expanding joy in the moment at hand.

While this clarity did not spill over into relating with my children until more recently, my experiences in this regard have led to expanding joy through my role as mother as well…which I will likely share about at another time.

Love & Blessings!

Experience and Practice

My thoughts, words and actions are not who I am…they are experiences. That’s why even in my apparent shame, I can remain shameless.

Likewise, I’m aware that everyone in this world is equally untarnished by their experiences. But more importantly, I’m willing to feel what it’s like to believe in shame whenever I have the experience of believing in shame.

I no longer value analyzing it, fixing it, or asking why I’m having this “problem” (heck! I don’t even think it’s a problem anymore). As with every emotion, I allow my experience of it…even if it means I’m experiencing myself blindly acting out of that emotion.

I’ve discovered through experience and practice that willingness to go through emotion is the way for the mind to receive spontaneous, transformational bursts of clarity, insight and compassion.

In this way, it’s been revealed to my mind beyond a shadow of a doubt that shame is nothing but an erroneous perception. Yes! It’s inexplicably blissful to witness you and me in this light.

Blessings!

Polyamorous

I had two father figures growing up…one played the polyamorous type and one played the possessive type. I suppose you can say I had two of the best teachers of what I didn’t want in a man.

The polyamorous one was a sweet, missionary man and faith healer who had kids with a bunch of different women and never thought to be there for any of them, unless it was “The Lord’s Will” (translation: congruent with his chosen lifestyle).

The possessive one hung around for a long time (way too long from my child mind point of view), he was sometimes kind but usually mean, abusive and instead of supporting his family, he seemed to use his family members as objects to support his desires and cravings.

The difference I see in Tony, and other men of his maturity level, is that “The Lord’s Will” is whatever supports and uplifts his woman and children; and the part he plays in fulfilling that Will is apparently more valuable to him than any errant desire or craving that crosses his mind.

At first I was only attracting men who were variations of the two father figures I had experienced early on, and by the time I was 21, I had decided to keep my relationships light and my heart guarded. But I had also accepted the way I thought most men were in a deep way, such that I wasn’t pissed at guys…I was just willing to play with however they were showing up for me.

I would also imagine being embraced by a profound love whenever the idea of relationship would enter my mind, not because I thought it would get me anywhere, but because it felt good and relaxing, especially as I was falling asleep. In retrospect, it seems that my willingness to feel so embraced left an opening for a man to show me something different than what I was used to.

From that feeling place, I related with men, and I did not accept anything that didn’t match that sweet sensation which I had come to know so well. I didn’t accept any of the shenanigans Tony tried either, and that helped him to discover how he really wanted to be with a woman.

From my experience, there are men who are mature enough to handle a woman who knows her value, and those who are not quite ready. But the woman who lives out what she intends will eventually attract, and even help prepare, the one who’s willing and able to support that intention.

Aloha!!

The Idea of Possessiveness

The idea of possessiveness (opposition to personal independence) was definitely something that made me give up the notion of long term relationships at a very young age. The moment a guy would give any hint that I wasn’t allowed to do things without him, I would say “no thank you”.

Relationships ended very quickly for me in this way, which suited me perfectly, as I’d rather have no relationship than one where I was required to lose my independence.

This energy played out with Tony very early on, when I used to like to party hardy with my friends. While Tony did not act particularly possessive, he communicated to me that he didn’t like my getting drunk in bars without him, sleeping at strange guys houses, and not coming back until the next day.

I communicated to him that that’s what I do, that I’m trustworthy and always feel safe, and if he couldn’t handle my lifestyle, then the relationship wasn’t going to work out. To my surprise and delight, he stuck around and possessiveness was not an issue. (I also naturally stopped partying like that after about a year together)

Fast forward to about 20 years later…I’m running around Hawaii with a dear friend a couple days a week, helping him to promote his business. It was apparent to me and Tony that this friend was trying to use everyone in his path to help pursue his own desires.

Well, intuition was telling me that I was going to give this friend an opportunity to use me in this way too. While I knew I could take a more comfortable path, my intuition was loud and clear in communicating that profound gifts would come through following my inner voice on this one.

Tony did not seem to understand my decision at all, and I could see that the situation was difficult for him. Some days when I would leave home, I would feel Tony so intensely that some of my muscles would tense up…I would immediately focus my breath on those tense muscles and invite them to relax while holding Tony in my mind and sensing our heart connection.

I have found that sensing the beautiful energy of our heart connection whether Tony seems to have difficulty with whatever I’m doing or not, is a powerful unifying force… because instead of pursuing thoughts of shame, rebellion or should’s, my mind stays focused on affirming the value of our heart connection.

There are plenty of thoughts that roam around in the mind looking to attach to someone in this sort of situation. Some of the thought scenarios are: He should let me do what I want, I deserve to be doing these things, Maybe I should get a divorce, What if I’m a bad wife, Why can’t he be more understanding? What if he goes for another woman?

But the thought that always sticks out in my mind is that no thought is true. So when this sort of doubtful energy arises in me, it’s my practice to experience the sensation of doubt and refocus my attention to sensing our heart connection, and that is all. Everything else worked itself out, and going through experiences like these has led to deeper connection and appreciation between me and my man than we’ve known before.

Not only that, but the gifts of heart opening and clarity from having the experience of associating with this particular friend keep unfolding. I am very grateful.

Much Aloha!!