Getting Kids to Behave

I stopped wanting love and respect from my children, because I recognized that what I really want is to experience my children exactly as they are.

Once I was willing and eager to purposefully go through every suffering that arose from my experience of raising children, it was also obvious that trying to change how they showed up in my perception would defeat that purpose.

At this point, I’ve been playing the role of parent for over 22 years, and like the common parent, I used to think that it was of utmost importance that my children show love and respect for myself, other significant people and each other.

But starting about four years ago, I began to intuitively recognize that wanting something other than authentic expression from my children caused me to react in a way that attempted to make them into slaves to my personal desires….so that I could avoid going through the sufferings that reflected my own ideas of self importance.

When I first intuited what was really going on, it was very painful for me. Every time that feeling of wanting my children to behave differently came up, a lot of pain and suffering arose with it, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with all of the intensity that I was experiencing.

To start out, I tried ignoring my kids whenever I suffered over them. Instead of giving them attention, I attended to my own breathing…I would control my breath, making the inhale and exhale long and deep as best I could.

On many occasions, this substitute form of control worked out and I would recover without an angry outburst or fit of victimization. But ultimately, I noticed more of a disconnect between myself and my children…and I knew that to truly go though the intense suffering that arose in connection with these sacred relationships required another approach, although I had no idea what it was.

I looked to the masters for any counsel in this regard, but what I found was that the masters didn’t even bother with raising kids. In fact, the Buddha left his wife and son to seek enlightenment.

As the desire for enlightenment was very powerful in me, for awhile I had the notion of also leaving my own family so that I could work out my salvation without being disturbed by them, but thankfully, I also knew that my path was different…

In my case, I have been gifted with this amazing husband who was willing to take on the role of single parent whenever I felt the need to take space from my family life. I kept retreating from my role as mother and returning again, ultimately realizing that my children were an important key to my total liberation and freedom from suffering.

At that point, which was little more than 1.5 years ago, I made a commitment to stop entertaining thoughts about leaving my family, and to spend more time with them. Instead of trying to control anything, even my own breathing, whenever sufferings arose I would retreat to a private space in my home to experience the energies that had me under their spell.

At the time, I had a selenite crystal wand which was long enough to cover my entire torso. I would hold tight to that wand while experiencing tears, a lot of internal heat, and both mental and physical pain and suffering. For many months I cried loudly, as the pain was so intense that it made me scream.

Eventually, I surrendered to my sufferings without making loud sounds, and just let the burning sensation happen in my body and mind…until nothing was left of this idea that I needed my children to be different. About three months ago, I realized that I no longer required the selenite crystal for this purpose, and when I met another woman who admired it…I gave it to her gladly.

More recently, only a few days after completing a 10 day silent Vipassana retreat, a very painful sensation around my kids came up again, and for about 30 minutes I entertained the idea of getting away from them…I cried over it a bit as my mind projected a need for change…and then there was a sudden sense of embodiment like I had never known before, and I was immediately relieved of all pain and suffering.

At this point, any form of suffering comes up and I smile, allowing the sensation to burn through my body…just noticing thoughts and experiencing feelings as the defilements held for me in the mind very quickly burn themselves out.

Now when my children express suffering, there is no reaction in me. I don’t avoid or ignore them either. I willingly and gladly feel the pain of the perception they are taking as true, but I do not join in their suffering.

As for choosing my response…I don’t choose. I allow the response that most resonates with the peace that has come over me to come spontaneously through me…even if that means no response at all.

Through this process, I have come to recognize that everyone who suffers is like a little child…and that I have come to nurture them with this peace that passes all understanding.

In gratitude!

True Perception

My perception can never be wrong.

It’s custom-made just for me…and when I’m not trying to deny my perception or change it…I can also perceive possibilities for self expression that inspire more pleasure and joy for myself and for this world.

For instance, if I’m perceiving people to be disrespectful, rude or disparaging to me or other people, I don’t have to try and change my perception or theirs. I can watch my perception and wait until I can perceive how to express myself in a manner that leads me to perceive more respect, kindness and upliftment in the moment.

My expression could be anything from removing myself from a situation or relationship, giving someone a big hug, or speaking up for what’s right for me. There’s no right or wrong here as every situation is unique.

I just keep following the guidance within and life constantly brings more pleasure and joy for me to experience and share.

Much love!

Disrespectful Kids & Teens

When it comes to kids and teenagers, I’ve observed that their disrespectful behavior is a cry for acceptance.DCIM102GOPRO

Parents are generally conditioned to hold shame for their children when they do things the parent thinks they shouldn’t, and in most parent/child relationships that I’ve observed, the parent doesn’t even recognize that they are holding anything that disparages their child.

The well meaning parent tends to act on shame in a way that seems kind and caring on the surface, but the child can sense the underlying energy, and this makes for turmoil and disrespect between parent and child.

As a parent who previously held shame for her children, I’d like to share how the shame finally let go of me. First, I let myself completely off the hook for any hurt caused by me, and I imagined what it would feel like to experience mutual respect between myself and my children.

To me, the first step is the most important because no mental pattern can be released without first being acknowledged and accepted. Next, I got very familiar with how it feels when shame is given life through me.

If any “poor me” thoughts would arise while I was wallowing in the feeling of shame I didn’t unconsciously give them my attention but I stayed with that feeling until it subsided on its own. This is where I got hooked back in many times because the temptation to multiply the energy of shame was temporarily stronger than my faith that shame is a false illusion. When this happened, I immediately fell back on step number one – letting myself off the hook and imagining the joy of having what I seemed to be wanting.

The rest was done without any effort on my part, and now I can maintain my boundaries while being in full acceptance of my kids’ expression because shame has no power over me. In fact, I have become so sensitive to shame that it’s simply too heavy for me to carry for more than a moment.

Naturally, this has created more joy in my experience of relating with my children than I could have dreamed possible only a few years ago!

This blessing is available to every parent who is willing to receive it.

In love!

Respect

It’s not judgmental to notice when someone treats you with disrespect. That’s just being honest.
What’s judgmental is pretending like you did something to create the disrespectful treatment, that anything should be different, or that anyone is bad, wrong or unworthy.
An experience of disrespectful treatment is really a fun opportunity to allow self respect in whatever way it needs to be expressed – such as stating your boundaries, taking space and/or dissolving the connection.
As you allow more self respect, a sort of vacuum is created that attracts people who are ready, able and willing to recognize and honor your value.
However, if you judge disrespectful treatment, you will also be agreeing to tolerate it, and the more you tolerate disrespectful treatment, the more you will experience being disrespected.
You are getting what the mind has decided that you deserve. Now is the time to observe what’s being taken as true, and allow the necessary adjustments to take place.

Kids and Respect – Part 2

Respect. It’s what parents think they want from their kids.

 

So, one might ask, “how do I get respect from my kids without demanding it”? But even that is nothing more than an attempt to gain a survival skill in a world built upon made-up constructs. You are so much more powerful than that!

 

In a sense, it’s true that what you “give” you are always going to “get” back, but to the confused mind takes this to mean You give love, you get love – You give money, you get a product – You give labor, you get a paycheck.

 

In reality everything is arising from out of the collective consciousness. In this way, you are really only “giving” a vibrational frequency that matches your mental state, and you are really only “getting” the mathematical equivalent of every mental state that has already been broadcast from your point of view.

 

Notice that in expecting a child to show respect, the adult is already coming from a point of view that’s lacking respect, and within this blind expectation there’s not even a question as to why respect appears to be missing in the first place.

 

Because this expectation largely goes unquestioned, children are being used to act out the “adult” idea of respect,while the feeling of disrespect grows in intensity for everyone involved. Until there’s a demand for recognition of what’s really going on, this unconscious charade will continue to make discomfort and suffering for the human experience.

 

So, if disrespect or fear of disrespect is showing up in your experience, remember that it has nothing to do with another person. Of course, the mind will say that you need to get respect or you could be ruined, but what the mind isn’t seeing is that the outer world is only a reflection of what’s inside, and that it’s way easier to let the projection lighten up than to wrestle with the reflection.

 

Who are you to feel disrespected? Question every thought about respect and what that means to who you think you are. If you’re willing to experience whatever is arising, you will be made aware of what believing unreality feels like. And once that happens, the idea of needing respect will be irrelevant for you.

Kids and Respect – Part 1

As soon as a child is able to exercise natural free will, they are trained by parents, family members, teachers and even random people to “show” respect–to whomever. On the surface that seems innocent, even just, however peeling away the layers of “respect” will reveal its service to the dis-ease of humanity.

 

Specifically, children are trained to automatically respect their parents, respect their elders, respect their teachers, and even respect their toys. The truth behind this automatic respect building is that it is self-serving.

 

The common adult mind thinks it needs to teach children how to act respectful, and so it teaches children how to display the kind of behavior that makes an adult feel respected. But this has nothing to do with being respectful.

 

True respectfulness is the automatic expression emanated from a person who holds no disrespect; it’s not an act that’s turned on to please other people. Since most adult minds hold disrespect for their self, children are often used to cover that up with an act of respect for the adults.

 

These children are in turn being taught to be adults that pretend to need respect from other people, and this insanity goes on because people are largely unwilling to recognize the ways in which they follow thought that disrespects their own self.

 

They are not willing to see that children, other people and even the self are not capable of reflecting any behavior that’s not projected by their own state of mind. This unwillingness is secured by fear of death, which is what can happen to a separate person in a world where that person is not respected.

 

But such a person does not exist except in thought. You are not that person, or any person for that matter. You are the one who decides whether to give attention to thoughts that disrespect your self or not. So, you’re invited let the keiki (kids) be as they are and look at what’s really going on.