Major illusions around self worth have been coming up for me over the past few days. Mahalo to everyone who has given their self worth ideas over to me for reconciliation.
As some of you may know, I am hosting a week-long retreat in October here in Hawaii. I was guided to do so after being shown that my perspective can inspire, uplift and help people give up limiting beliefs…And after receiving a vision of a retreat center where people come to renew, rejuvenate and awaken to the life that’s meant to be lived through them.
Because I have nothing to offer in the form of any service, technique or modality, I’ve found it quite challenging to market myself. To do so, I would need to get the word out about how people can benefit just from being in my presence, which has been a form of self promotion that feels icky to me.
Several months ago, my 22 year old daughter seemed like she was coming to my rescue in this regard…she seemed excited about people coming to retreat with me, and she started calling herself my manager, so I excused myself from self promotion…whew!!
What I experienced though was a lot more of me asking what’s happening with the promotion than any promotion going on. The reflection that I received back from my daughter was that I seemed to lack creativity for the retreat and so there’s nothing to promote, plus I seemed stressed out whenever I mentioned it.
On top of that, for the past few years, my husband has been reflecting that I have nothing but love to offer, and I don’t need a retreat for that. He also reflects the idea that I should be more of a mother, wife and business woman instead of trying to achieve some sort of fame or notoriety on my own.
Needless to say, I don’t sense a lot of support for this retreat coming from the people I live with. Plus, so far, there are exactly 0 signups, and only a few people have expressed an interest in actually paying for the retreat, so I don’t sense a lot of support for the retreat coming from the people who read from me either.
Thankfully, I recognize that the perceived lack of support has nothing to do with me, nor does it have to do with the people who reflect that to me. The lack of support that I perceive is the result of the belief that a better version of myself is necessary BEFORE I am worthy of taking action as I am guided to do so.
In this way, I found myself innocently looking for my husband’s approval and other people’s support as confirmation that it is OK to put myself out there like this.
Of course the idea that there is a self here who can be worthy or unworthy of the visions and guidance that have been placed within her is just absurd to me…But the illusions that I have made through innocently believing in this absurdity for many years still presented itself as painful reality for me.
What I noticed many times during this unfolding was the mind’s valiant attempts to keep me safe from the pain that was being experienced…like the desire to deny the life that moves in me, and opt for the “simple” life instead. “Look!” The mind says…”you have all that you need. A great husband, family and lifestyle…just rest.”
But experience has taught me that I have no choice in the matter. The passion that drives me to share is not something that I can control of myself, so all I can do is offer up the ideas, concepts and judgments that make myself up….And thereby experience rest within whatever movement happens to be happening through me.
Beneath every set of seemingly upsetting circumstances, there is so much appreciation that I get to be the one who has nothing but a healing perspective to offer, and who is willing to follow guidance and visions as they appear to her without fear of losing anything.
Gladly, I went through a lot of anger and sadness about the illusions I permitted the mind to make for myself, and they have been reconciled….Such that I can perceive fun new ideas for getting the word out about how awesome it is to be in my presence…even if the people closest to me seem to have a problem with that.